Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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