i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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