I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
