youre lurking in front of me
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
