I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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