Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
