you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
