I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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