I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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