My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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