I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
