Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
