Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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