Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
