Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
