I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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