That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
she told me i tasted like america
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
