I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
im six kinds of drunk right now
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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