Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I got inside last night via doggy door
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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