If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
