i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
