u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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