I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
