3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
