I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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