Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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