i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
