were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
