I'm eating all of the evidence.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
