Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
organizing the empties. That sober.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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