I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just had sex on a roof
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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