Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
