Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
