she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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