I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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