My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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