went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
