Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
