last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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