My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
