So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
