There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
