I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
