I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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