my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize