If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
