I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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