Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
