Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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