Can i not drive my cunt home
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
