A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
