Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
