I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
