Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
