after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
