I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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