Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize