Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
