This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i would punch a child for taco bell
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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