When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
